Doing It

The fact is, regardless of whom you happen to be in bed with, whether you are a guy and a girl, two boys or two girls – people generally have sex in the same way.

However, even this glosses over all the other fun things that actually make up having sex – the kissing, touching, stroking, cuddling, licking, biting, making out and general exploration that tends to be filed under the heading of foreplay.

Unfortunately, ‘sex’ (when a man puts his penis in woman’s vagina) seems to be all we think about as important. When we ask our friends “have you had sex yet?” we tend to be thinking about vaginal sex like it is the be-all-and-end-all – when actually it can end up a bit of a disappointment. If we think about the anatomy of boys and girls’ bits, many of the most sensitive parts of a girl’s body especially are neglected during vaginal sex as most of the nice bits are on the outside, not the inside. Indeed, the stuff we call foreplay can be the most exciting and best bit, as it builds up the anticipation and is quite often very intimate. Foreplay should never be seen as simply the warm up for the big match, instead it should be enjoyed and revelled in for what it is – a chance to explore each others bodies and get each other really turned-on.


Ironically the other thing we never talk about as a really big part of having sex is talking itself. There are two important parts to this, the first is about telling your partner how much you fancy them, how much you love their body and how they touch and make you feel. Getting intimate with someone can be scary; letting someone touch you in places you have never let anyone touch you before, let alone getting naked with someone – is likely to make any one worry and feel self-conscious. Everyone, no matter how confident or how fit they are, has hang-ups about their bodies. Being told by your partner how attractive they find you, is a big reassurance and  the more comfortable you feel the more you will relax and both enjoy yourself.

Secondly, if you don’t tell your partner what you enjoy, what you like or don’t like – how can they be expected to know if what they’re doing is right or not? Communication is key.  At heart we are all nervous and anxious to please. No one wants to be thought of as a bad kisser, we all want to be found attractive and we all have insecurities. A lot of the time it is these insecurities, feeling out of your depth or very self-conscious that gets in the way of people actually enjoying sex. Talking and more importantly communicating with your partner is one of the best skills you can ever learn to have a fulfilled sex life.

© Going off the Rails 2012. Adapted from ‘Playing Downstairs’ by Jonny Hunt

Find a Service

Find a Service

What is a chode?

Read more in Your Questions